I went clothes shopping today. Not for myself but for Lily as in 2 weeks she will be 6 months old already! Time is flying by and she is growing and growing. Some of her clothes, such as t-shirts and leggings are a bit small or short. She seems to be in the odd stage of being too big for 3-6 month sizes but still too small for 6-9. I bought a few 6-9’s knowing she will soon grow into them. Baby shopping is fun! So many outfits to choose from, so many styles! Lily is oblivious to what we dress her in, I wonder what she would think? I can’t wait till she grows up and discovers her own style for now she’s stuck with what Mum and Dad like. ( Sorry Lils!). But what about me?
That last time I bought myself clothes was when I started to have more of a bump. It was exciting because it’s all new and fun! I knew I would be growing over the next 9+ months and couldn’t wait to see my tummy grow. If you’re pregnant you know the feeling. Being pregnant is beautiful but I sure did struggle with finding things I liked AND were comfy. To me it seemed all pregnancy clothing was not to my taste of quite frankly – ugly! I realised some shops seemed to assume that because you’re pregnant you either want to hide your bump OR didn’t have clothes that made you feel beautiful! Maybe I was looking in the wrong places but that’s how it seemed. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I’ve given up on my appearances….quite yet haha
I literally wore black leggins and large tops all the time. As I began reaching the 7/8 month mark it became harder and harder to fit into any nice clothes which – really brought me down. I’m being honest, I LOVED being pregnant, it’s a blessing and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world BUT I struggled with how I looked. Yes. I said it. I admit it. I struggggggled. I found it hard seeing other other women who weren’t pregnant looking amazing. I felt huge, I felt fat? I felt insecure. I had to constantly remind myself ” Christie, you’re bloody pregnant! Not fat or ugly!!”. I would look at myself in the mirror and be so happy knowing my baby girl was growing healthily but at the same time, WOW – I’m huge!.
I was worried my partner wouldn’t look at me the same way anymore. Constantly questioning myself about whether or not he thought “wow she’s looks massive, she looks fat, she put on a lot of weight”. It is so stupid now that I can look back because I was growing his child! He didn’t love me any less but more. I was the mother of his future child and seeing me grow was a sign that she was healthy. Of course I shared these feelings with him and him being the amazing guy he is, always reassured me that he loved me and reminded me that I was growing a child at the end of the day.
Now if those feelings weren’t enough, what about after having a baby? Well, I was okay for the first few weeks. There is little time to think about any of that when you’re staring in awe at this precious little human and slowly recovering from an emergency caesarian. Thoughts of my appearance came back when I tried fitting into some of my pre-pregnancy clothes. They just didn’t fit or they just didn’t look right on me anymore. I knew my body wasn’t going to be the same after having a baby, I was prepared for that but I just didn’t realise how much it would affect me? I lost a lot of self-esteem again!
It was hard. After having a caesarian, your body takes time to deal with a) just having a baby and b) healing wounds. I just wanted to go running, I wanted to work out like I used to but I just couldn’t. Working out was always my thing, it helped me release stress and made me feel good but I just couldn’t do it. I had aches and pains in places I never knew they would! I just started to get back to normal when I had to have an emergency operation to get my appendix out so that knocked me back again. Another blow. I had more wounds to heal! Oh god I had enough. I never felt so low. I had stretch marks on my tummy, loose skin, scars from the caesarean and scars in 3 more places from the key-hole surgery. It was a lot for me on top of being a new mum. I cried a lot, I hated my body. I felt all squishy! My hips were different, my weight was different….yeah you get the picture. I didn’t want my partner to see me like that. Oh god, what would he think? I wasn’t the same body he knew before! But like always this was all in my head, nothing had changed, he loved and loves me the same no matter what my body is like now.
I am still on that journey or self love, I am still adjusting almost 6 months later. I know it won’t be easy and these is no quick fix. Right now, my priority is my bringing up my baby as best I can. Self-love is SO important though and going for walking with Lily has helped a lot, it’s some form of exercise! I accept that my body will never be the same as before BUT I know I can do things to help me get back to that body I once knew…or close enough.
Everybody is different, every Body is different. Some people are glad they now have a bit more meat on their bones, some bounce back naturally and some are like me who are slightly struggling. Whichever one you are, know that there are women from all walks of life going through something similar!
Our bodies are amazing, we grew a child! I didn’t even know that I could do this or have the strength to go through labour and delivery, but I did. I am stronger than I realise so I KNOW I will get through this and so will you.
If you’re struggling like me – drop me a line, we can support each other through this. No judgement, just words of support and encouragement.
I end with a quote I saw online from thegoodquote Instagram account and it made an impression on me.
“Love yourself a little extra right now. You’re learning, healing, growing and discovering yourself all at once. It’s about to get magical for you“
The Crazy Mummy Diaries 